Helpless

I feel so helpless. You are miles and miles away and I can hear your pain when I read your letters and it breaks my heart that I can't do anything to help you. All I can do is write the most heart felt, truthful, loving letter I could muster up and hope it gets to you in less then a week.

Sometimes only getting to mail you can be so painful. Oh who am I kidding, it's always painful. Not having you here rips me apart inside. Not being able to just sit in my backyard and talk to you about my day or what's on my mind or anything... I know you're going a rough time but so am I. I know it's nothing in comparison but I still need comfort. I still need help. I still need someone to talk to.
You were my best friend before you left and you will be my best friend until the day that I die. But while you're gone, who am I supposed to turn to? You are the only close friend I have left...

I know I'm not one to talk about my emotions or what I am feeling. But not even having the chance to express them feels like I'm just holding in poisonous gas and that some day soon I'm going to explode and take out other people with me. That realization scares me...

And what's worse is that I know you probably feel the same and worse... And no matter how much I want to, I don't know how to help you or me. In the end it just leaves me feeling helpless.

I'm so done

With this shit. Having to deal with all of this. Moving, not moving, constantly cleaning, constantly showing the house, having to walk on egg shells, not being able to see my friends, having to be frickin' homeschooled, and worst of all not having my boyfriend here to comfort me through all of it.

If I could have anything fixed in all of that, that would be it. I just wish he was here...

But I know this is good for him. And for me too (although I really can't see why). I guess I'm supposed to grow as a person? The only growing I've been doing is sideways, I eat my emotions.

Well not anymore. Now I just cry. All the frickin' time. It could be a thought, or a picture, or a movie, or a song. Just about anything seems to be setting me off nowadays. Which you know, is awesome... especially when it leads to worse stuff.

And I know things can always get worse, but shit I know they can get a hell of a lot better too.
Something needs to change.

I can't sleep

I am spending the night at my cousin's house I can't sleep. Like hardcore. It's 4:30 in the frickin' morning. I have to get up in two hours to do some dumb volunteer thing that I don't even know about nor did I volunteer for. Not cool Aunt D'Anne. But anyways I've been dealing with the drama down here and I think I'm gonna try my hardest not to stay here tomorrow. I mean I love them but it sucks to live with them.... it like I've got enough to deal with, ya know?

Dude I cannot sleep. I don't even feel that sleepy. Lindsey is taking up the whole couch anyways so it doesn't matter anyways. I've been talking with Koga until like 10 minutes ago and now I don't have anything to do. Nobodies online or anything. I'm so bored. Bleh...

This is exactly what I needed

Time away from my parents. It's like pure bliss. No pressure or expectations. It's just... nice.

Seriously, the second I got out of the car with my dad I felt better. It's just too stressful to be with them right now. My dad with his surgery, my mom with her headaches, and the overwhelming fact that after months and months we still don't know what to do about our living situation. It's bad enough dealing with my own stresses, but dealing with theirs too is just too much right now.

My parents have this huge expectation that not that I'm in homeschooling I'm going to use all this time to further my education and better myself by doing community projects and stuff like that. And don't get me wrong, I want to better myself. But I want to do it in my own time and my own way. I don't mind the fact that my parents want more from me, it's just the fact that I don't get a choice.

Like right now. Right now I am at my grandparents house because my mom wants me to learn how to cook. She told me that I will choose one thing to learn how to cook and get all the ingredients and cook it whether I want to or not. But the thing is I don't like cooking. It is not my favorite pass time. But I will do it. The fact that I had no choice in the matter made me want to do it even less.

And it was my dad the suggested that I go to my grandparents house to learn how to cook (his favorite foods made by his mother) and I thought that sounded like a good idea. But when I took my mom the look she gave me... it was like pure disgust. Then she just started smiling and she that I should just go. That I should just go and stay there for a couple of days. And when I protested (only wanted to go for the day) she got all annoyed and when I finally asked why she said because I was "bugging" her. So without another word I went and packed up my stuff and left.

I'm beginning to think that homeschooling was the worse mistake of my life. I'm beginning to hate my parents. To truly resent them. I never thought I would... I've always loved my parents and believed that I was close to them. I guess I was wrong. Because the second I started this crap it's been nothing but trouble.

It's not even like I like the program. I hate it in fact. It just doesn't suit me or my learning style. I don't like just reading something and then answering questions on it. I don't like essays being the only projects I can do. And even though it's flexible and everything, I'm the one setting it up. My mom knows nothing about computers. I'm the one that installed it and programed it, edited it and everything. It's bad enough that I have to be the student but I have to be the teacher too.

I know my mom is trying. But we are nothing alike. Everything that sounds fun to her sounds like a bombshell to me. She wants me to learn all these "life skills" and I don't really mind, I want to learn that stuff to. It's just the way she says it. I never have a choice in learning it. I never have a choice in anything anymore...

I am angry. About a lot of stuff. Nothing in my life in solid anymore. The only rock I've ever had has left me and I'm beside myself on what I should do. I don't know where I'll be living in a couple of months, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to my boyfriend or if he's even ok. I don't have any friends anymore. I mean I do, but not the type of friend I need right now. I have plenty of people I can talk to but none that I can really open up to. None that I can say this kind of stuff to. None that can help me right now. My parents keep pushing me to try new things but they can't see that I'm just like them, that I don't like to go outside my bubble, that I don't like to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm mad at them. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at God and I'm mad at stupid little things like the rain. I hate the rain... I'm mad and I'm losing my control on it. It's getting worse and worse and more of the time I just wanna pick up something and throw it across the room. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

The only way out that I have anymore is through sleep and reading. But it's becoming more difficult for me to sleep and books are becoming kind of meaningless. I'm just losing it. All of it. And I don't know what to do.

But that's why I'm here. To get away from it. Away from the house and my parents and the drama. Here I am the beloved grandchild and I can do no wrong. My grandma will teach me to cook something and I can go home and try to impress my parents and try to appease them as much I can.

I have a new book. Two in fact. And I've got my schooling. And if it doesn't rain I've got the canoe. And I'll learn how to cook. And I can write Matt. And everything will get better.

This is exactly what I needed.

Dog tags/ Bring It On Home

I just got Matt's dog tags today in the mail. I seriously almost leaped for joy when I saw that Army envelope.
That boy is far too good to me. He put a silencer on it (like a plastic covering) so I can actually wear it. I'm allergic to metal so I wouldn't have been able to do beforehand. Goodness I love that boy. He thinks of everything.

So I'm about to send him my first letter. I hope he likes it. I didn't really know what to say. So I just wrote three pages of everything I could think of although I could have probably kept going. But I don't think he'll get that much time to read 17 pages of "I love you"s mixed with my boring life. But then again I don't think he'd really mind... :)

10 weeks. Just 10 weeks until I can see him... Goodness, how could so short a time feel like so long? It's only a couple months right? Still... it feels like a lifetime. But it will go quickly. I'll make it go quickly.

Oh dang... it's that song. This is the song that was on the radio when I was taking him back to his house for the last time. What a car ride that was. Way too much crying for my taste. That was when I wish he didn't live so far. I like to avoid long car rides like that. Especially ones like that.
And the weird part is that this is the most horribly perfect for that moment to play... seriously, watch this.



It makes me wanna cry. Stupid song... perfect songs like that keep finding me.
I need to write the perfect song, that's what I need to do...

I Hate Arts & Crafts

Seriously, I hate them... I just don't understand how to do them or how to learn to do them or how they are even fun. I can do easy stuff like gluing popsicle sticks together but it's crazy hard for me to do anything else.

It literally took my friend hours to teach me to knit (something I rarely do because of the frustration and the limited knowledge of how to do it) I can still only knit scarfs. Crappy ones at that.

Even little children can do this crap better then me. I got a 9 year old friend of the family to teach me how to make the small twisted bracelets. That also took hours. For the longest time we could not figure out what I was doing wrong. Everything just came out... tweaked.

It's like that with all the crafts I do... there's just one key element that I'm getting wrong to make the whole thing look like a three year old threw it together. Heck a three year old could probably do better crafts then me.

And now I want to learn how to make those thick bracelets, you know like the friendship ones. Not a good idea. I am not a patient woman (thus why I suck at crafts) I get very easily frustrated with these things. And when they don't turn out right I start throwing things. Not a pleasant feature I assure you...

I just want to send some to my boyfriend. He's in the army and I just want him to know that I'm thinking about him and that I like doing things for him. Even if he can't wear them I want him to have them. To know that for every stitch, there's something I love about him. And that with each stitch I love and miss him more and more....

But no! I have to suck at all things that are crafts >:[

First Blog

I have no idea what to write about, I just thought this might be a good idea to post pictures and thoughts and stuff or being able to vent without having to do it on myspace... so yeah... first blog.