This is exactly what I needed

Time away from my parents. It's like pure bliss. No pressure or expectations. It's just... nice.

Seriously, the second I got out of the car with my dad I felt better. It's just too stressful to be with them right now. My dad with his surgery, my mom with her headaches, and the overwhelming fact that after months and months we still don't know what to do about our living situation. It's bad enough dealing with my own stresses, but dealing with theirs too is just too much right now.

My parents have this huge expectation that not that I'm in homeschooling I'm going to use all this time to further my education and better myself by doing community projects and stuff like that. And don't get me wrong, I want to better myself. But I want to do it in my own time and my own way. I don't mind the fact that my parents want more from me, it's just the fact that I don't get a choice.

Like right now. Right now I am at my grandparents house because my mom wants me to learn how to cook. She told me that I will choose one thing to learn how to cook and get all the ingredients and cook it whether I want to or not. But the thing is I don't like cooking. It is not my favorite pass time. But I will do it. The fact that I had no choice in the matter made me want to do it even less.

And it was my dad the suggested that I go to my grandparents house to learn how to cook (his favorite foods made by his mother) and I thought that sounded like a good idea. But when I took my mom the look she gave me... it was like pure disgust. Then she just started smiling and she that I should just go. That I should just go and stay there for a couple of days. And when I protested (only wanted to go for the day) she got all annoyed and when I finally asked why she said because I was "bugging" her. So without another word I went and packed up my stuff and left.

I'm beginning to think that homeschooling was the worse mistake of my life. I'm beginning to hate my parents. To truly resent them. I never thought I would... I've always loved my parents and believed that I was close to them. I guess I was wrong. Because the second I started this crap it's been nothing but trouble.

It's not even like I like the program. I hate it in fact. It just doesn't suit me or my learning style. I don't like just reading something and then answering questions on it. I don't like essays being the only projects I can do. And even though it's flexible and everything, I'm the one setting it up. My mom knows nothing about computers. I'm the one that installed it and programed it, edited it and everything. It's bad enough that I have to be the student but I have to be the teacher too.

I know my mom is trying. But we are nothing alike. Everything that sounds fun to her sounds like a bombshell to me. She wants me to learn all these "life skills" and I don't really mind, I want to learn that stuff to. It's just the way she says it. I never have a choice in learning it. I never have a choice in anything anymore...

I am angry. About a lot of stuff. Nothing in my life in solid anymore. The only rock I've ever had has left me and I'm beside myself on what I should do. I don't know where I'll be living in a couple of months, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to my boyfriend or if he's even ok. I don't have any friends anymore. I mean I do, but not the type of friend I need right now. I have plenty of people I can talk to but none that I can really open up to. None that I can say this kind of stuff to. None that can help me right now. My parents keep pushing me to try new things but they can't see that I'm just like them, that I don't like to go outside my bubble, that I don't like to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm mad at them. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at God and I'm mad at stupid little things like the rain. I hate the rain... I'm mad and I'm losing my control on it. It's getting worse and worse and more of the time I just wanna pick up something and throw it across the room. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

The only way out that I have anymore is through sleep and reading. But it's becoming more difficult for me to sleep and books are becoming kind of meaningless. I'm just losing it. All of it. And I don't know what to do.

But that's why I'm here. To get away from it. Away from the house and my parents and the drama. Here I am the beloved grandchild and I can do no wrong. My grandma will teach me to cook something and I can go home and try to impress my parents and try to appease them as much I can.

I have a new book. Two in fact. And I've got my schooling. And if it doesn't rain I've got the canoe. And I'll learn how to cook. And I can write Matt. And everything will get better.

This is exactly what I needed.