Helpless

I feel so helpless. You are miles and miles away and I can hear your pain when I read your letters and it breaks my heart that I can't do anything to help you. All I can do is write the most heart felt, truthful, loving letter I could muster up and hope it gets to you in less then a week.

Sometimes only getting to mail you can be so painful. Oh who am I kidding, it's always painful. Not having you here rips me apart inside. Not being able to just sit in my backyard and talk to you about my day or what's on my mind or anything... I know you're going a rough time but so am I. I know it's nothing in comparison but I still need comfort. I still need help. I still need someone to talk to.
You were my best friend before you left and you will be my best friend until the day that I die. But while you're gone, who am I supposed to turn to? You are the only close friend I have left...

I know I'm not one to talk about my emotions or what I am feeling. But not even having the chance to express them feels like I'm just holding in poisonous gas and that some day soon I'm going to explode and take out other people with me. That realization scares me...

And what's worse is that I know you probably feel the same and worse... And no matter how much I want to, I don't know how to help you or me. In the end it just leaves me feeling helpless.

I'm so done

With this shit. Having to deal with all of this. Moving, not moving, constantly cleaning, constantly showing the house, having to walk on egg shells, not being able to see my friends, having to be frickin' homeschooled, and worst of all not having my boyfriend here to comfort me through all of it.

If I could have anything fixed in all of that, that would be it. I just wish he was here...

But I know this is good for him. And for me too (although I really can't see why). I guess I'm supposed to grow as a person? The only growing I've been doing is sideways, I eat my emotions.

Well not anymore. Now I just cry. All the frickin' time. It could be a thought, or a picture, or a movie, or a song. Just about anything seems to be setting me off nowadays. Which you know, is awesome... especially when it leads to worse stuff.

And I know things can always get worse, but shit I know they can get a hell of a lot better too.
Something needs to change.

I can't sleep

I am spending the night at my cousin's house I can't sleep. Like hardcore. It's 4:30 in the frickin' morning. I have to get up in two hours to do some dumb volunteer thing that I don't even know about nor did I volunteer for. Not cool Aunt D'Anne. But anyways I've been dealing with the drama down here and I think I'm gonna try my hardest not to stay here tomorrow. I mean I love them but it sucks to live with them.... it like I've got enough to deal with, ya know?

Dude I cannot sleep. I don't even feel that sleepy. Lindsey is taking up the whole couch anyways so it doesn't matter anyways. I've been talking with Koga until like 10 minutes ago and now I don't have anything to do. Nobodies online or anything. I'm so bored. Bleh...